Book 3 – Space Tunnel to Asslandia

A hopefully humorous satire of the “military sci fi” propaganda machine.
Maybe it will be bland and boring.
Or childish, with a bit too much scatological humor.
You could channel surf the real thing instead for a few hours of your life…

Chapter 1

When I look back at it now, as a “hero of my people”, I’m still not impressed.

I hated my first two months on the “team” of the Space Tunnel.
It was a dirty job. Someone had to do it.
I still wish it had been someone else.
Shoveling all that shit.

When you shovel shit for 24 hours straight in an enclosed space too small to move a bobcat through, even if you could get the approval, it sucked shit.

Because in those situations the military always loved extolling the virtues of elbow grease for new recruits.

I wasn’t recruited. I was the fucking Janitor of the external sewage facility supporting this cement pimple on the side of a mountain shaped like a seriously rounded piece of bulbous booty covered in evergreens.

They started the thing up and immediately needed sewage control like they had never needed it before. I was called in.

They make it sound like I was a supervisor or something nowadays, in those biographies of the “team”. Really I was getting minimum wage to shovel shit and connect shit-pipes. But I happened to be the one on site at the time.

The sergeant who dragged me downstairs into the mountain jarhead lair wasn’t looking happy. He had puke on his vest. The stench of whatever it was that wasn’t puke was pretty horrific. Even for a sewage technician.
I grabbed my mask and he nodded,
“Nothing else” he said, but nodded again when I puled out my sewage hazmat suit. I got minimum wage, but at least my boss was a safety nut. It was his, this beautiful piece of non active non-slip polymer with advanced breathing mask.
The ones in the employee lockers had those little white cotton masks that never did anything for anyone except make them feel stupid while their boss saved more money.

The way this guy stank, and his two backup mp’s as well, I knew I was in for a load of shit.

Lucky for me most of our journey was through the cavernous hanger sized upper floor. Unlucky for me was the elevator. These guys stank bad. And it wafted out of the elevator too. Some greasy tactile smelly shit that was, like human shit, but definitely not. I had gotten the suit on in the jeep, but it was rude to put the mask on until I had met someone higher up. Oh god.

That took almost an hour, and then he made me stand for an hour while he talked to other people before pointing to my helmet and letting put it on.
I had barfed twice already standing beside him, and as yet had no idea what was causing this sewage malfunction.

15 minutes later I was shoveling fucking shit. And shitting myself inside the suit.
It was body parts, and shit, and no, it wasn’t really human shit.
And it wasn’t human bodies either. Not all of them.

It was 24 hours of shit, before I got to have a fucking shower.
At least I got a bottle of whiskey from the team.
The ones that weren’t shoveling the shit.

Chapter 2

Sweet oblivion lasted 12 hours. Apparently that was some kind of reward.
The 12 hours.
The man who woke me up was really mad.
He only got 6 and couldn’t figure why the pussy got 12.
Yea. He called me a pussy.
I didn’t argue. He had bling and looked like Mr T.
Like, Mr. T back in the day.

He had hair too.
Everyone else was buzzed except me and my ponytail hiding the fucking jesus curls, which doesn’t sit well with a bunch of people who have all assented to voluntary hair removal for the sake of “the team”

There was bling on his forehead. Some strange symbol.
and why did he have hair? big dreadlocks no less.

He spoke. I was surprised, I expected grunts.
“Somebody found it on the floor.
He stuck it to my forehead as a joke, fucker.
That shit. It’s like fucking glue.
I feel really good though.
Like it’s recharging me or something”

I didn’t know what to say.
but I followed T down the maze of newly aerated and  disinfected hallways to meet the man I had seen yesterday before the shit happened.
On the way I watched in fascination as two of his dreadlocks fell out.

They looked like they were jumping ship.
3/4 of a bottle of whiskey, twelve hours of sleep
and still I swear one of them moved on the floor to evade my foot

And suddenly there I was
sweating profusely
not from awe, from whiskey evaporating out of my pores

The old man from yesterday stood before me in his military mucky muck outfit
And he was definitely a grumpy old fart.

Chapter 3

I had seen the tunnel in all it’s glory
through a mask stained with the constantly pouring shit that had come out of it.
Five people died in that shit, hours before I had arrived,
apparently the tunnel orifice had been pried open and no one had thought that something unopened for 6 thousand years night stink when you opened it.
That first “team” had little white masks on.

Now they were corpses.

Although there had been ventilation, the first team was literally blown against the observation window by the centuries old buildup of shit that was leaning on the other side of the orifice.

Two weeks later we found the automatic enema system.
and after that, I rarely shoveled shit on earth again.

On earth. I shoveled a lot of shit elsewhere, I’ll tell you that.
Tons of shit.

I invested early in liquid vacuums after my first paycheck from the shitfest and it payed off in the end. I bought them from china, glued new logos on the vacuum units, and sold them to the military for the next ten years of shit cleanup for the tunnel.

Phenomenal profit can be made from shit.

but anyways, I was talking about the beginning
the Tunnel.
It was obviously important, a bit altar doodad thingy had been erected there with this little stand that held a smaller orifice.

Apparently you wiggle your finger a certain way in the small orifice and the Tunnel will open, to where, at this point, we were uncertain.

unfortunately, the military hadn’t been so good at deciphering the clearly labelled pictograms. They were more detailed than your average stick man holding a shovel. It was two weeks before someone wiped off the othe rwall so we could see the picture that pointed to the little red button, THEN the finger in the fleshy hole.

The red button was the the Tunnel’s Rinse Cycle.

Five people died,
not knowing about that Rinse Cycle.

Apparently, the bodies, other than the 5 humans, were from 3 different races, and were apparently people/beings who tried to come in this Tunnel after the Great Plug had been inserted, almost 4000 years ago.

That’s what they tell me at least.
I see the stone Plug, with its markings
ancient beautiful script and pictures
multiple smooth ribbed protrusions
some strange stone like granite
that won’t be cut or drilled

I never saw it in the Tunnel
they tell me it was in there tight
I guess the jarheads thought opening it was a good idea
they didn’t read the label first though

myself, I look at it.
It’s more than twice the size of the Tunnel orifice,
I think whoever shoved it in there, really wasn’t inserting and removing it on a regular basis. It was a “close this hole forever and we may be saved from the shit” kind of thing.

After the rinse cycle was found,
we were able to inspect the inner passage
It looked like it could hold twenty people
but we still had no idea how it worked

I was on hand in case there was any shit that happened.

When suddenly T started acting funny
twitching

swearing, and foaming
like my nephew after 2 cans of soda and a chocolate milk
he starts doing a Linda Blair on me
that weird symbol now glowing on his forehead

I realize he’s bald
a lone dreadlock seems to roll out of sight
and then he starts speaking, in a weird voice like he’s got an echo effect turned up full, while green puke seriously rolls down his chin.

His eyes are glowing red.

He farts.
This is an enclosed space, the orifice is only partially held open, the rotting smell wafts over everyone.

We’ve puked so much in the last two weeks we can’t even puke at the most horrid stench possible from a living human.

Damn, that army food sucks.

Chapter 4

Human vocal cords aren’t really supposed to make sounds like a records played backwards. It’s not really common.

T was sounding like someone yelling at me in one of those exciteable shouting languages, like italian or spanish.

I work in a sewage factory in northern BC, I was drawing a blank.
Apparently none of the army people could understand him either
their faces were  grimaces and they were unfocused on his wierd…

Ok.

Now I was unfocused.
Something just slid into my underwear, moving fast
faster than me
that thing knew where it was going
and how did it get in my suit?

I understood the “team” look now
how an eight inch dreadlock can move that fast
I don’t know
but apparently the adhesive properties of the parasite infesting T’s dreads was equal to its lubricative nature.
This was a very uncomfortable state.

I wasn’t the only one not feeling the love for T’s dreadlocks
EVERYONE looked mortified.

I was fine after the initial shock.
I hadn’t eaten breakfast,
I’d been drinking every night for two weeks after all the shit I’d seen and the morning whiskey pukefest had cleared me out.
As well, being a professional poo miner
I was kind of used to the idea of colonic insertion.
And really, the dreaded invader was being very gentle.
Whoever was in control of it had a very soft and intuitive touch.

The jarheads weren’t so hip to their asses.
They looked REALLY uncomfortable with the fact that their butts were being taken over by a possibly malevolent alien force.
They all had had a good breakfast a few hours ago as well.
so their shorts were full

whoeee that place stank

Then T suddenly seemed to get a grasp on english again
and starts yelling

“You must use the ….”

I don’t know what the hell he said
it almost sounded like “penis” to me
but I didn’t really “hear” it
I felt him speak to me through the dreadlock’s squirming

and suddenly I understood
the large, apparently non functional device in the corner of the main Tunnel Room, about 20 feet high, shaped kind of like a smooth dildo without any surface bumps, it was for traveling through the Tunnel, we were supposed to climb inside of it somehow

And whatever being had taken control of T and my ass
wanted us to know how to get it working.

Chapter 5

Mandy Smarter was the head of the team.
In hostile situations she would defer to Sgt. “Smack” O’Kneel
That was what my briefing had said.
I was just a contractor.

Mandy did NOT like this method of diplomacy, at all.
Tall, athletic, white, a closet racist, and totally homophobic, I’d heard her talk about her ass as a “exit only” so many times as she fended off the juvenile advances of her very bright co workers.
Her psyche wasn’t handling the alien ass-rape communication system very well
I could see she wasn’t getting the dreaded message

“We have to go to the dildo thing in the main chamber” I said
She looked relieved that I seemed to know what I was doing

Until she looked at my waist.

They were all in camo
I was in the shit cleanup suit
so my tentpole was clearly stretching the elastic covering

I would never in a hundred years get a boner for Mandy
but as soon as I spoke while paying attention to her, my ass thing started grooving and I could instantly see hers was too

If I spoke again she might wet herself.

I pointed to the other room and grunted

We all got out of the front tunnel chamber, crawled through the orifice and assembled near the dildo machine, whatever it was

General Ham was standing there, and from the sweat on his brow I could see he was getting his own kundalini communication. I swear I caught him licking his lips as we entered, but he quickly rolled his eyes and moved back, as T walked toward the dildo device lifting his hands to rub it vigourously but slowly near the bottom of the tip.

My ass started to really talk to me then.
I heard someone groan
Unable to focus anymore, I remember thinking this was way better than the two hits of E I had done a couple months ago.

Then I realized, I wasn’t in the chamber anymore
I was watching Gen. Ham through the walls of the dildo machine.
Which apparently wasn’t inactive at all
since we were being slowly lifted up and positioned in front of the now closed orifice, and I really didn’t care that we were obviously going somewhere.

The whole capsule was vibrating
and the thing inside my ass was writhing
I think it was glad to be going home
It was all too much…

Chapter 6

My ass had somehow fused to the “seat”
I was in the front left of two rows of 3 of us
I remember wondering where our clothes were, then seeing them below us on the stone floor.

I looked up.

For the first time I realized that the orifice had a distinctly feminine quality to it.
It seemed to like the thrumming of the capsule, and pulsed eagerly as we hovered closer.

After 4000 years of the Great Plug
it was finally back in action

I swear it was smiling at me
before it swallowed us

The strangest thing to me about traveling through the tunnel
is the odd sensation that you are being squeezed through some great innards of the universe. You can feel the outer walls of the tunnel slide by through the walls of the ship, whose “nervous system” is somehow plugged into your ass through the seat.

Even later, when we were rid of the dreaded hitchhikers of T, the future trips through the Tunnel would always seem this way to me.

Chapter 7

So there we were, above the General and about to slide into the orifice of the tunnel. No clothes. The jarhead’s guns and knifes and gear and radios and stuff are all in a lump on the ground beside the general, my suit and vacuum is there.

This was only vaguely interesting to me.
Whatever that white light was that had zapped us out of our clothes and into the ancient capsule, it had felt waaaaay too good, and still did.
I was getting hazard pay but I would have paid money for a trip like that shit.

I think that was the greatest bonus all these years, looking back.
That I got to do that yummy transport zappy thing over and over again for 3 years. If I could’ve bottled up that shit I’d have been twice a billionaire.

So. I’m in this capsule thingy in the air. I’m on this invisible seat thing that is kind of like riding one of those crotch rocket motorcycles. Its really comfy, and my ass, with it’s dreaded alien parasite, is fused to the seat, which is basically invisible. Like super translucent rubber. And it’s juggling like rubber with battery power.

To my right is T, eyes still glowing. Behind him is Ens. Bob Pooper. Bringing up their rear is Smack.

I turn to look. Mandy is bent over on her crotch rocket seat behind me. She’s staring straight at my ass. She looks really happy and fascinated. Which is kind of scary. This was killer jarhead chick, right? She pushed steel off her chest in the gym that weighed more than me.

Behind her is the medic/scientist dude for the “team”, Micky.
He’s a big muscleman. I don’t know where the scientist part comes from, never really saw it in two years of interacting with the guy. He’s at the back on our side of the capsule, and he’s intensly staring right ahead at Mandy’s ass. He’s definitely got a boner, which I remember, thinking somehow prudishly that it was somehow “sick” after the events of the last hour.

T was looking at a ghostly blue holographic image of the finger orifice console.
he had just pushed the red button, and I heard the rinse cycle begin.
Immediately the capsule filed filled with Gel. Immediately. Not in like a big gush of water, but just suddenly I was breathing astrolube and not air. I was still breathing though. The lube was in my lungs. I actually felt better, like it had multivitamins in it or something.

Suspended in this jelly that’s quivering and pulsing from some unknown power source, I hear the last click of the rinse cycle. The gel around me whirls in strange invisible currents. I realize its whooshing through me. Everything is gone. The most complete body enema ever,

which I guess made sense, since we where about to get squeezed across a couple hundred light years of distance.

I slowly whirled around, Mandy was still staring at my ass.
The enema hadn’t dislodged our hitchikers, I guess. Everything else was gone, absolutely.

“It’s looking at me”, she says.

Honestly. Like a 6 year old looking at a bug on a leaf or something.
She’s licking her lips. The dreadlock wriggles slowly in response. The entire scene creates a dissonance for me. It’s not sexy. At all. But I get an immediate hard on because of the dread monster’s activity. It’s trying to communicate its happiness. Great.

The engines, or whatever, kick in. Which means the capsule starts vibrating and throbbing at “lets slide across lightyears” pitch. Everyone who didn’t have a boner gets one and we all make a collective quiver along with the jello dildo ship thing. It never is represented like a dildo in the future movie adaptations of our adventures, but that’s to be expected I guess.

I remember as the capsule entered the orifice, how I could feel the musculature of the outer sphincter squeezing and pulling us inward. I was suddenly really glad for that space lube enema. Whatever I was breathing and holding was clear, and as I watched the base disappear and the walls of the tunnel slide past, I think now how strange it was that I didn’t feel frightened.

I was surprisingly optimistic.

Chapter 8

In the movie adaptation, all the shit is replaced with water,
and no mention is made of the dread invasion of our butts.

It’s something of a fairy tale, really.

The reality was it took literally hours to travel to our destination, and mandy never once took her eyes off my ass.

I didn’t have any ass to stare at, so I was looking out the walls and ahead.
Every once in a while I would turn around. But her fascination with my butt was too unnerving.

I think that’s when she fell in love with me. That first trip.
She wouldn’t stop licking her lips. It was so freaky. If I ever wanted someone to lick my ass, it would not be Mandy. She had NO sense of rhythm.

Pooper looked similarly attracted to T.

T started singing. Not human singing. Our dread companions all writhed in unison. Thinking became difficult.

I blacked out for a while.

Chapter 9

The funny thing about all this is…
We were never the “Asslandia – 1” Team.

Honestly.

I didn’t get any briefing on alien worlds and ass-huggers from another planet.
I didn’t get a gun. I didn’t get any “combat training” or diplomatic instructions.

I was SHIT-CLEANUP. So was Mandy, Smack, Pooper, even science boy.
We were in the first tunnel section to cleanup and assess the possibility of more shit coming through. and what might be necessary to deal with it. My briefing was about how we were supposed to work together when the shit reached the ceiling ventilation fans, like it did last time.

We were NOT a “highly trained earth recon team scouting possible hostile and allied forces on hostile planets through the Space Tunnel. Battling the ancient alien forces intent on inabiting human bodies through their ass.”

That was the marketing shit for the movie they made 10 years later.
Minus the ass.
The movie with the big swoosh of CLEAN water, not shit, every time they use the tunnel. I’m an anthropologist or something in it, not a shit vacuumer like in real life.

Nope. Low level pooper scoopers is what we were.

Up to our knees in an alien swamp,
with no clothes on.

Chapter 10

I remember Cub Scouts.
In a small northern community. A cub scout Jamboree. Whoo hOOO!
I learned to use a hatchet and fix the wedge. 3 kids were hospitalized in separate incidents, leading to much tent talk. I actually enjoyed it a lot, but I’m a loner who likes to bushwack. It was a place of beautiful rot and decay.

It was on some northern hectares somewhere in north alberta, on a “lake”. Which was actually a swamp. If you got out on it in a canoe it resembled a lake. But it was a swamp. With leeches.

Thousands of them. Suspended in the water. In the green-black murk. Lots and lots and lots of leeches. And not enough salt to deal with it in the camp. I had my stash and it was “fuck you all”. Seriously. I don’t like leeches, and I was a good boy scout. I was Prepared.

The swamp was beautiful and serene on top, but terrifying to touch or immerse yourself in. Terrifying. Visceral and pungent and Terrifying. There HAD to be dead bodies in something that stank that bad. We all whispered around marshmallows about who they might be.

Underneath the water was not sand, but about 2 feet of muck. Black oozy dirty rot muck with thousands of little snail shells to wiggle between your toes.

I also learned to bathe with one hand off a rock that weekend I think. Twice I stepped in the muck, and twice was enough. The canoe was cool.
The leeches definitely were not. Or the snails.

So. Alien planet. Just slid naked across the galaxy on the quest for home initiated by an ass parasite, kind of like a big dread leech. It’s squirming. I’m in a bit of shock. I just had the most amazing experience of bright white light and humming, the gorgeous capsule transference mechanism that somehow  transports me and I am forever in love with it. Like the Tasp of Nessus it has entranced me and I think I am in love with a space capsule. Seriously. Damn I wish I could have taken it home after those years.

Reality kicks in. The capsule is no more. The white light recedes to darkness. The beautiful fuzzy warmth becomes slimy clammy and cold. Like The Swamp.

I’m up to my upper thigh in something like water but slightly more viscous.
The “ground” beneath is like the swamp I just described. Something like small snail is everywhere throughout a thicker earthy granular ooze, 2 feet up my leg.

On an alien planet.

I’m hunched over, then suddenly, I realize, I’ve let my ass and balls into something that I don’t know is even water, it extends all around me, and I can’t see cause it’s a dim red evening light with fog.

And my ass was in this swamp goo. The “water” looks black in the light. It’s slimey. I thought of  leeches and stood up straight. Everyone did the same, in a small group. We all had hard-ons again from the Transfer Joy dammit. Then everybody groaned.

6 small splooshes occurred in the silence.

As I grew accustomed to the light I wondered if everyone else had shot their load in that moment when we were finally free of the ass invaders. It really had topped off the Transfer Joy nicely. IMHO

Gradually it became clear. T had the biggest deal obviously, and he had hit Pooper in the eye. Science boy was standing behind Pooper with a very happy smile turning to disorientation and I couldn’t see the end of his dick. Which oddly didn’t disturb me, it seemed “cute” at the time. Smack was in front of Pooper and had got him in the chest. I had been standing up while Mandy was leaning forward to reach for me to stabilize herself . I had hit her straight on the tit, while watching the the dread lord literally fly out of her ass into the swamp as my sight returned. It did a flip in the air and a wriggle. Then sploosh!

Everyone stood up. The capsule and the Tunnel were 100 feet behind us, dimly lit.

I HAD to get out of the goop. fast. I slogged toward the Tunnel. I was naked and thinking of crocodile like things or worse. I had no salt for leeches. I really was not Prepared.

Everyone followed. I heard science boy tell Pooper not to use the goop to wash off with, as it might be contaminated. I looked down. I seemed clear and evaporating almost like water, but who knows what kind of horrible alien parasitic infection I could have festering. I wanted a shower.

Oddly enough, my butt felt sterile compared to my outer body at the moment. Like it had been luufa’d on the inside.

I remembered how clean it was in the capsule, so that’s where I headed.

Do you remember Something About Mary? The hair thing?

Mandy is walking beside me, because she’s waaay faster and bigger than me, she’s looking down at me, and my splurge is sproinging back and forth off the end of her nipple with each step before finally making a wet splat and sticking to her torso and lower boob. She doesn’t notice. Her eyes are glittering.

Capsule, Capsule, please let me inside!

Chapter 11

After the harrowing realization that I had exposed my genitals and ass to an alien liquid swamp goo, and the subsequent realization that , yes, this was infinitely more icky than anything that had happened before during the last 4 hours, I did, at that moment consider psychological counseling. Unfortunately I was never able to get ANYONE to believe what really happened after they made that pathetic family content propaganda movie.

Seriously. Alien mindcontrolling ass-dreadlocks? Nope. I was shit out of luck and gave up within 2 months of being back on earth.

That was 3 years from this moment, on an alien swamp planet, naked, with Lt. “Something About” Mandy standing goofily but strangley soft and “vulnerable” looking in the reddish “moonlight. Like that red version of She-Hulk, but with googly eyes all glinting red.

I am scared. Literally. I feel Filthy with a capital F. Alien goop on my balls. My ass was in there. The capsule liquid had seemed pristine to whatever we were just in. Something roared about 20 ft away. My average white boy weiner had gone full turtle and sucked himself right up to where he was well hidden behind my balls. I’m not a “show-er”, that’s for sure. Mandy really scared me and she kept staring at my private bits which at this time were trying to be covert. I would have personally had a hard time finding my dick at this moment so I don’t know what she was thinking, and the idea of her huge steroid driven frame entertaining thoughts larger than those contained in a children’s primer was literally making me want to piss myself. Which would have been straight ahead as I couldn’t grab mr. turtle to aim I’m sure.

I quickly turn my attention to the glowing blue capsule, now on its side.

Chapter 12

So Mandy is staring at me all infatuated, Science Boy Mickey is getting a visible boner staring at Pooper’s ass, Pooper was looking at T like he was some sort of African Love God arisen to save him, and Smack obviously was in loooooove with Mandy.

If I had known, at that very moment,that this is the way it would be through most of the next 3 years, including the NAKED part, I probably would have pulled out a vein with my own teeth right then and there.

Hindsight, of course, isn’t reality.

Mandy was conspicuously right behind me as I moved to the front of the capsule. I couldn’t reach the spot that T had rubbed. Mandy picked me up, like Arnie or something, and very gently put me to the side and tried.

I was so scared. Seriously. I got picked up and gently put aside by Amazon Shit Cleanup Woman from earth.
I was so glad she didn’t have all her guns. She REALLY liked guns.

Everyone that could reach rubbed the dildo capsule firmly under the tip.
Which was everyone but me and Pooper.
T picked up Pooper so he could rub it.
Pooper looked sooo happy in that moment. Wow.
Mandy picked me up again and actually put me on her shoulders like a 5 year old.
My balls were against the back of her neck. She had a tattoo of a skull with a snake running through its eyes and a couple of wings of fire. That’s what I saw before my balls made a satisfying but painful smack against it. Mr. Turtle burrowed deeper. I rubbed the tip of the capsule.

Nothing.

Mandy walked over to the Tunnel orifice. She was looking for a red button and finger thing. My ass was at everyone’s eye level and my balls were smooshed against She Hulk’s neck. At least she was carrying me very smoothly.

There wasn’t any light anymore, but the Tunnel was on a little soft sand island only 100 feet in diameter around the orifice. Behind it was sheer rock wall. I just got pooped out onto an alien beach and I wanted a shower sooo bad.

Here, the button was on  the wall. It wasn’t lit up like at home. There was a hole in the wall beside it but none of us would touch that until we were sure we could make the Rinse Cycle go. Naked in alien goo was bad enough, but naked in that shit we had been shoveling back on earth would have been…

I couldn’t even imagine. None of us could. We would NOT stick our fingers in that hole for ANYTHING.

Chapter 13

Hours later I woke up. Many hours later.
I felt so much better for having slept. Even though I was being squished against the wall by Mandy’s massive frame. I had a tiny crack between her boobs to breathe through. A couple of times that night she had shifted and cut off my air supply through the crack.

I was NOT strong enough to move She-Hulk. I almost died in her arms that night, literally.
Suffocating to death by boob seems like a nice way to go, but believe me, suffocation is suffocation.

The Horror.

I wake up sometimes in a sweat from that. I felt so helpless. I never let her pin me against a wall again.
I can’t say she never pinned me again. Just not against a wall.

OK there was that one time when the Dread Lords had me shackled with my face to a wall, but I choose to forget that right now. It was too weird. I can’t believe she did that…

Chapter 14

It seemed a bit longer than a night on Earth. We slept hard. Every time I woke up I had a facefull of solid muscle-tits. It was better than being eaten by a crocodile thing, but not by much. I had to pee about halfway through the night. 6 hours of holding my pee while having an immense immobile she-beast  pressing her 6-pack pelvis into my bladder.

As I said, The Horror.

The reddish light grew and the fog stayed. Almost in unison people began grunting awake. Mandy awoke fast, like a good little soldier girl, and apparently had to use my lower abdomen to push herself up. I wanted to just let er rip, the pain was so bad, but I just made a slightly feminine squeek and groaned in relief when she stood up. I ran to the waterline I had previously run from and pissed for a long time. Other people apparently had been able to go throughout the night. It’s amazing how good a piss can feel sometimes.

Freed from my nightmare flesh bondage and fresh from my pee break I look around the nothingness. Monkey draws a blank. Nada. There is jack shit for tools anywhere. Capsule in goo about 30 feet away, surrounded by misty fog shit thats kinda yellowish. Reddish light, no visible disc so high cloud but no low cloud formations, red sky, warm, for about 20-30 feet around the Tunnel orifice there is no mist. reddish sand with black pebbles. Orifice, dead Rinse Cycle button, Fingerhole, and wall.

6 naked people. Pretty clean but naked. Butt naked. Nothing.

No light on the capsule, no light on the button. Birdlike animal screeches and low rumbling roars with splashes not too far away. Mr. Turtle goes back to hide.

Our Predicament is about as messed up as it could be.

I hear a hungry roar in the swamp. My stomach growls. I have zero ideas and am not at all confident in any of my companions having ideas. If there is no Deus Ex Machina, we are probably fucked.

Chapter 15

If I count from the moment T’s Dread Minion invaded my ass it has now been about 32 hours of naked insanity. I was hired to suck shit with a vacuum. Now I’m shit out of luck on an alien planet. With 1 amazon chick and 5 guys. Naked.

We’ve all assessed the jack shit for tools situation.

The uncomfortable silence finally strikes deep into our hearts. Five naked people who would normally NEVER see each other naked, never mind sleeping together in a pile after a shared Transfer Joy jizz session. And we all sort of realize this at the same time. Everyone’s cheeks got rosy in unison. Naked and bashful in an alien swamp.

A fairly large sploosh occurs closer than the capsule. We all back up to the Fingerhole we’re too afraid to touch.

Out of the mist, shambling like an inchworm and flipping over to slide forward like some twisted slinky was a Dread Lord Swamp Thing. 10 pounds of dreadlocks and another 20 pounds of alien goo and sticks. All of our butts clench shut tight at once. I know, because my back was to the wall and everyone’s ass was in front of me. They ALL clenched. Me included.

The Dread Lord swayed in front of us like a snake or something, then pulled most of it’s mass up to it’s head. A creaky raspy voice filled with reverb from some invisible sound system seemed to emerge from its maw. “Moooooove” it said.

We moved, first splitting to both sides, then the other two ran back to the four of us and we shuffled to the side and turned so our bums were away from the Swamp Dread. It shuffled up to the wall, did one last slinky flip. then planted itself at the base and extended up to the button, which was now glowing.

I said something about Deus Ex Machina, I’m sure.

We all hear the rinse cycle, and suddenly we are in the capsule again. Quivering with Transfer Joy. The Dread monster is not in the capsule, it’s on the ground, with part of its head in the Fingerhole, gyrating. We’re in the same places as before except Science Boy and Smack have switched.

It takes a few months and 3 more trips before I realize that the capsule is seating us automatically as to what ass we would prefer to look at during the trip. I kid you not. A scientist on another alien planet told me that.

The capsule slides in to the Tunnel orifice, which on this planet is much more male looking, and I don’t know how I could say that, because it really just looked like a huge anus on the wall with a stone ring around it. Like there was a bum on the other side of the rock and its bumhole was being squeezed through the hole. It sounds unpleasant, but really, ALL the Tunnels I’ve ever encountered all seem to be…well…happy. That’s the best way to describe it. They get a bit cranky when the Rinse Cycle isn’t utilized, but if they’re flushed properly, they act very pleasant.

I wonder where the Dread Lord has sent us as the astrolube fills my lungs again and we’re swallowed.

Chapter 16

Ok. Capsule again. Clean.

SOOOOOOOOO much cleaner. No more Dread Lords, we think. Headed wherever after a cuddly night in the alien swamp of filthy bum huggers. We have no mission. We certainly have no pride. We absolutely have no idea how to turn whatever constitutes a tv on in this thing. I missed T’s ass parasite. He was a crooner. Mandy has my ass to look at. I have nothing. Yes after 2 hours I started sending her morse code. I was fucking bored. I think the ass parasites had been doping us up somehow. Now I could feel everything less intensely but still clearly. Same 6 naked people. I had to move

At the 3 hour point I tried to seriously get up and walk around. It was a mistake. The invisible console/seat thing was enveloped around me and rubbery. The air was astrolube. Trying to stand was like the best hand job ever. But I felt so constrained, I was going to go nuts. So I pulled, and it pulled, and repeat 3 times.

That was it for me. A good nights rest and astrolube air. Unfortunately the environment was fashioned this way to avoid the effects of weightlessness. A long webby white streak now extends from my crotch to the wall, where it doesn’t really stick because it’s in astrolube, then rebounds and I turn slowly to watch it heading to Mandy, really fast, faster than we are moving, because of some relativity thing about being away from a core entity or some science shit, hits Mandy’s temple as she does a head butt to it like its a volleyball and it careens toward Poopers head, who is oblivious to everything that just occurred. It somehow stays a single long angled rebounded web of white goop. Like one of those stretchy schmoo toys you whack on walls.

We remained in this state, with that floating in the “air”. For another hour.
Yes. Exactly. It was a very uncomfortable hour. It had somehow managed to touch everybody somewhere.

Oh. Look. Another Orifice. Finally. I have reached my Doom after the most embarrassing hour of my very strange life.
Hurry up and kill me Universe. Please.

Why is she smiling?
“Mandy!”
“What?”
“Stop smiling at me. Please”
“No really, it’s very good…”

Chapter 17

The capsule splashes in water again, but its clear and sunny, and

Pow. Transfer Joy.

I’m standing up to my knees in water again vibrating with happiness.

I go from blinding white to something like sunlight but a tiny bit orangier. Sun, Blue sky, clear water, and gravel between my toes. No snails. I can see my toes in the gravel nice and clear. I see no predators.

Everyone splashes. Clean. Finally. Clean.

I submerge myself and remove all traces of anything from my skin and hair. There really wasn’t much, we were clean. But Filthy is a feeling only a good bath with your own hands gets rid of sometimes.

I stand, and whip the Jesus curls back and out of my face. Mandy is towering over me in the sunlight. eyes glittering.
Damn. I just had a supermodel moment with Terminator chick. If she was a boy she would have a hard on right now.

Redirection. Hmmm. Nothing to do.
Flight. Good option.

I dive in and start swimming, it could have been hydrochloric acid with space piranhas, I wouldn’t care.
The ocean. It was so beautiful and quiet. She couldn’t see me there. I sometimes think she “allows” me my freedom as I’m swimming.

Mandy really sucked at swimming unless she had a pack and guns strapped to her.

It actually turned out to be almost a paradise. Like a month in Maui. Like I know what a month in Maui would be like, sucking shit for a living. But a very nice place.

Until we found the Manifest. After that, almost everything sucked. We came late. Shit had hit the fan here.

It was only a nice planet for about 100 miles around the orifice when we arrived.

And in the end, those few people there died too, before we left.

But for a month I got to swim in the space version of Maui, and I found the coconutty sorta fruit booze early, so I was really a sloshed and happy camper. Until the bodies of course. But that was after a month of happy swimming and coconut booze.